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12:42 PM / Sunday January 26, 2020

2 May 2019

Divine Muva Diva

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May 2, 2019 Category: Local Posted by:

Dear Muva,

How do you forgive your parents for things that affected you in your childhood? I was abused by a family member and my mother chose to protect that family member. I can’t get past it. Help!

Signed: Traumatized

Dear Traumatized,

Muva has had your question for a while now, and wanted to be certain that the answer given was not glib, but well-thought out.

After speaking with one too many sexual abuse victims who are adults and still reeling from those memories, let me start here: counseling that is consistent and sustained is a must. Many find solace in breaking their silence to strangers, as family members tend to take sides. As a mother myself, l can’t fathom never supporting my own children, but unfortunately, some parents choose silence, ignore, or worse, blame the child for the abuse. And that often happens because they too had a troubled past, and never healed. The saying, “hurt people, hurt people,” is so true.

The road to healing can, and will, take many divergent paths, as what works differs depending on the person and the family dynamics. 

It is a shame that so many still hold on to the secrecy, which in my opinion is a constant reminder and a scab over a large wound.

Your mother, while you may think is unaffected by what happened to you, will at some point have to deal with the reactions from you that happen as a result. This may manifest through your not being around her much and by avoiding family functions. Your actions then may serve as a daily reminder to her that you are not healed.

Be that as it may, the ultimate goal for you is to find a place of peace, which is NOT easy when there is no support for what you are going through.

So along with therapy, try things like meditation and find hobbies that soothe your soul. Journal daily if you can and write words that are affirming to you, even it is one tiny thing each day.

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Remind yourself that you are more than this awful event. Tell yourself that you are an amazing mother and wife, protect your children in ways you were not protected and above all, work super hard to not project those memories into every aspect of your life that may cause unintended harm to those closest to you. Be well.

Dear Muva,

What advice do you have for when you are in a meeting and the other team members speak openly and negatively about someone’s work ethic?

Signed: What should I do?

Dear What should l do?,

I am clutching all my pearls! Never, EVER, should that kind of conversation happen in a team meeting and here is why – while people may giggle nervously, or openly cosign with the one who is ripping apart another’s work ethic, doing so creates an environment of discord and distrust over time. What runs through the minds of the other team members now are, “So when are they going to discuss me openly?” 

A good team leader would never allow such things to happen, as certain behaviors should be discussed privately, and what is then openly discussed in the team meetings — if they are skilled leaders — should be the expectations of all team members in general without pointing fingers that would embarrass anyone.

Companies thrive when there is a good collegial and building climate. That is Business 101.

Petty and unprofessional behaviors tear at the fabric of productivity, and no solid leader should or would tolerate that nonsense.

As for what YOU can do – remind the person speaking if they are talking to you directly, that you are not open to discussing others. 

When you do not encourage these behaviors, they will move on to someone else. Also, quietly have a conversation with your immediate supervisor if the behaviors persist, and let them handle it as you, too, should always handle things in a professional manner. Learn the lessons from incidents like these, as they help improve your own leadership skills over time.

Disclaimer:

The advice offered in this column is intended for informational/entertainment purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. This column, its author, the newspaper and publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.

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