By Andrea Lawful Sanders
I was never a fan of watching the Oscars. Too many subpar hosts with bad jokes; later, I simply gave up.
Added to that were the brilliant roles done by people of color that were ignored time and again for a nod. I was soundly over it.
These hours of my life are precious and so…no!
But honey, the red carpet scene? That brings me such joy!
I am a diva who dresses all the way on the side of unconventional, so l can sniff subpar fabrics, workmanship and a dull aura from ten paces away.
Clutch your pearls — and welcome to the inaugural Diva Red Carpet Reviews!
Please note: I am not responsible for liquids spewing from nostrils and mouths, and please, do not lose your jobs reading this at work.
There are no unemployment coins available in my purse, so are we clear?
Here we goooo.
There we were having dinner, when I saw one guest pull up a picture. I looked over, clutched the sides of my chair, and fell over in glee to the designer Gawds!
Billy Porter SERVED up a Black Mary Poppins ensemble with a spoon full of sugar to help the people recover!
He snatched wigs and lungs of air so hard with NO apologies, that l was downright proud!
He is a perfect example of, “if you gonna DO it, take it to the hilt with smelling salts to revive the shocked!” When
Baby! I need a minute and a fan, because, whew! This is what being confident in your skin looks like. The outlandish ancestors were proud!!
What in the hot stone cornbread is this here madness?! Have Jennifer Hudson’s shoes over the years been too small, too tight, or all of the above, because these corns are impressive! And where did she think she was wearing those basic shoes?
Do we not yet know that “camera ready” means ALL parts of us? Hudson has been on too many red carpets to find herself being boiled to death with stone soup! Oh yeah, nice dress.
Was Glenn Close trying to channel an Oscar her way by looking like a replica of the golden dude? I prayed it worked in her favor but alas; she had more bad luck waiting to be served in that too heavy golden tablecloth.
How she keeps the bitterness from being ignored so long off her face deserves an Oscar all by itself.
Spike Lee and the purple outfit he wore as an honor to Prince made me cringe.
He looked like a raggedy California raisin and a Planters peanut in that get up that spoke nothing to his personality — or Prince’s, for that matter.
Lee’s added flaky speech that was actually quite good once you got past the crumpled yellow papers, his cussing that had to be bleeped out, and rushing through it all, made him sound like a 5th grader who forgot Hooked on Phonics.
I had to defend the brother on social media, but I think the combination of his suit, the golden shoes and his 30 years of waiting to be acknowledged spilling forth, became too much for those watching.
Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa, the Samoan God she married, looked like dull paintings on good canvases. What the hell!?!
Their energy together makes me wonder if its that low at home because I am feeling no spark here for these outfits! Is that a pink suede tuxedo? Who told him this would be the thing to wear?
And Bonet is standing beside him like Himalayan sea salt.
Sweet Black Jesus… and the pink ponytail holder on his wrist… no words!
Maya Rudolph’s gown resembles a big floral bush meeting a Pepto Bismal bed spread. I can’t!
Regina King! Girl! Those wrinkly knees are showing your age honey!!
Nice dress, but between your knee and the faded tattoo on your foot, how was a
And those basic bastions of a pump shoe?
I am certain they were designer duds, but they fell flat with this dress.
You looked super otherwise. Congrats on the Oscar win!!
Angela Bassett: Stunning!!! We should be able to bottle Angela’s essence and ‘sprankle’ it liberally over the ones who could use a dose!
Right color choice, elegant lines and her aura? Smoking hot!
JLo out here looking like a Latina mosaic tile!! Yess, honey!!! All covered up and still sexy!!
Melissa McCarthy — Sigh… I really need to get these designer hands on her frumpy-lumpy chic, because I’m not understanding why she always looks so basic.
Rachel Weisz: Eh. Nothing about this, makes me say fabulous. Its just eh.
Charlize Theron: Wrong color choice and wrong body…no ma’am.
This was not a good design for your shape, at all! It made you look harsh and all angles.
Sarah Paulson: So she basically has on a pink skirt with a smaller skirt as a top. Just awful. Next!
Emilia Clarke:
Perfect fit, color choice, fabric… she is feeling some kinda wonderful judging by her stance too.
Work it!!
Irina Shayk: That strap is so tight across her lower back, her kidneys are screaming for release; all this in the name of beauty?
And how much lower can that thing go? I am taking bets that sitting was a challenge.
Allison Janney: Yassss honey!! Classy and sassy!!! This one just screams ready!
The opinions and views in this piece are the author’s, and not necessarily those of the Philadelphia Sunday SUN.
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