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17 Apr 2020

Divine Muva Diva: “Looking to rekindle a flame?”

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April 17, 2020 Category: Commentary Posted by:

Dear Muva:

Divine Muva Diva

How do I know my ex is serious about getting back with me, or just wants company because of COVID-19? When is it ever okay to take an ex back?  We broke up because of his poor communication skills, and he made me feel “‘crazy” and uncertain because he gets defensive when I tell him to do or not do something I dislike, and that starts arguments.

Two weeks after we broke up, he said he was in a lot of pain and is not ready for a relationship anytime soon — but NOW he wants me back? What should I do?

Signed, A thin line between love and COVID-19

Dear A thin line between love and COVID-19:

I am going to take a guess here that you are someone in your mid to late 20s, based on the contents of this question. So here is how I would answer this — if you are not in a relationship now with this person because of poor communication skills and nothing else like abuse, I would say revisit it. Before you invite him back to your “nest” however,, I would take this quarantine time to begin having a series of conversations with him via the phone and not in person.

 Do not start with pounding him over the head about the things he did wrong, but rather start to ask simple questions about the way you communicate with each other. Give him small examples of how things could be different if you both thought through what you had to say before you said it. Give him simple examples of how responding a certain way makes all the difference in the world in the way you react to his responses.

I also want you to acknowledge that you were not always perfect in your communication skills, because oftentimes, we deflect when we are hurt and we lash out. That leads to nothing good. Since we are on quarantine for the foreseeable future, I would say take this time to work on your relationship to see if it is something that you might want to get back into when the quarantine is over. If he cares about you as he says he does, he will not force you into coupling quickly without doing the work to get the results that you both require and need. Especially since it seems he was also heartbroken when the relationship ended. We have to remember as  women, that men hurt too, and they often display that hurt by behaving as if they are not affected by the break up and simply disappear. In all likelihood, he probably is missing you in the middle of this quarantine, and reminiscing about the times that you had together as a couple. The truth is, the ball is in your court,; because now you get to decide how to move this forward or stop it all together. Good luck!

Dear Muva:

I am very curious to know something. There are couples who “get back” together and are still married after infidelity, etc. What did it take for them to make it work? I’m intrigued because I think I saw a couple on a Black love documentary talk about it, but I never saw concrete ways on how they did it. Help!

Signed, Not me, no way

Dear Not me, no way:

Like you, I must confess that seeing some of the things couples choose to stay together for made me cringe; however, until we are in other people’s lives and understand the nuances of what makes them who they are, it is not our place to judge. As Muva gained wisdom and grew older, certain things began to make sense that didn’t when I was much younger.  There have been instances, for example, of the women in their marriages earning all the money while the men stayed at home because they had a health challenge. While she worked, however, he made sure that the children were taken care of and handled all of the business in the household.

In a case like that, one can clearly see where they work together to cover the challenges to make it a good life for them both.

Now hear me, there are some women who would walk away disgusted, instead of looking for the silver lining in the cloud. That is why we tell people to seek counseling before they get married, because once you create that bond, it is not that simple to get out of it. I have also seen examples of a man cheating, or a woman for that matter,  then after much counseling, searing hurt and many tears, found their way back to center and stayed together.

I have to honestly say, that it all depends on the level of maturity and love that people carry for each other — which is why I tell folks all the time, don’t share your business with just anyone and quite frankly, keep your business to yourself, because when you work it out, and the family or friends are already aware of what was taking place in your house, they choose sides, which leaves one partner or the other feeling uncomfortable for the remainder of the marriage. I hope this answers your question in some small way, because the bottom line is that people make those decisions based on where they are in the moment and how much they love the person that they are with.


The advice offered in this column is intended for informational/entertainment purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. This column, its author, the Philadelphia Sunday SUN newspaper and publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.

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