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9:15 AM / Friday June 5, 2020

7 Feb 2020

Divine Muva Diva: Guarded and Cautious

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February 7, 2020 Category: Commentary Posted by:

Dear Muva:

Divine Muva Diva

I have an issue and could use your advice. I am having a hard time reconciling my friendships interspersed with the relationship I have with my man.

To put it bluntly, people who are simple acquaintances, have taken it upon themselves to send friend requests to my man, which befuddles me. What I find more offensive, however, are the women who are the closest to me, trolling his pages, collecting pictures of my mate and I together, and insists on sending him friend requests despite repeated conversations about why that makes me uncomfortable. I acknowledge that I have experienced trauma in the past from the lens of those I cared about, and I do not want the relationship with my friends to become awkward as a direct result — but what else can I say to make them understand?

Signed, Guarded and Cautious.

Dear Guarded and Cautious:

I have given your concerns and questions some thought, and decided to answer in a couple of ways; firstly, trust your gut — not some of the time, but always. 

I find it telling that you, in an effort to maintain a friendship that you clearly cherished, chose to sit with your friend and bare your vulnerability and concerns around their need to be connected to your man on social media. What being around both of you in person is not enough? 

What exactly are they seeking to see or find outside of personal contact on your terms? Why is she now forcing the issue after that conversation, considering your closeness? You have to now ask yourself, are you really as close as you thought?

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Could it be curiosity about your having a relationship they crave? Have they stopped to consider that peeking into your life vicariously does nothing for the work they need to do in creating a relationship of their own that they could enjoy with a special mate?

I ask you all of these questions, because Muva had a similar scenario in her own life. She was sharing her concerns about a relationship she had with a man with someone she considered a best friend, only to realize some months down the road that this friend had begun conversations with her soon to be ex and kept it a secret all while celebrating life with Muva. When it all fell out in the open, not only was Muva deeply hurt, this “friend” went on to marry the same man who she sympathized with Muva about.

Needless to say, that mess did not end well, but it became a stark lesson for Muva that it is often the ones that are closest to us that bear watching. You have been given the warning salvo from your friend — ignore it at your own peril. It may be nothing, and if it isn’t, she will apologize and honor your feelings by ceasing the backdoor snooping of your man. If you speak with her and she continues to protest that you are making much ado about nothing, check that spirit, handle your business and begin the process of detaching your personal life from theirs.  It is a hard pill to swallow, but there you have it.

I hope this helped and good luck.

Disclaimer:

The advice offered in this column is intended for informational/entertainment purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. This column, its author, the Philadelphia Sunday SUN newspaper and publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.

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