Dear Muva:
How do you keep people at bay when they try to “inquire” about your job search and progress? What do you say? I am of the opinion real G’s move in silence, and l get a “shady” vibe from this person who keeps asking.
Signed: Help!
Dear Help!:
Muva had to read your question a few times for some clarity, because this question could be taken from a couple of angles.
The first thought l had was why were you allowing this person to annoy you so badly? Are they THAT offensive to you? When people are in similar phases in life, they tend to seek their spirit animal in the form of support, especially if they are having difficulty and have secretly admired how you carry yourself, while wondering what tips they can garner from you to help them move along, too.
Is that such an awful thing? Imitation is indeed the sincerest form of flattery, and so, that could be this person’s motive and nothing more.
On the other hand, you could be absolutely right, and an entire shaded tree is being thrown your way to see if they can learn a few things to stay ahead of you and the game of being gainfully employed. Sometimes people can’t see that there is room for more than one person at a table in their quest to be acknowledged as the leader in all things.
So my advice? Be clear that you have nothing new to offer, and let them know you do not wish to openly discuss your process as you, too, are using all the tools you both gained in school. Always be kind when you come in contact with others, because we never know what they are dealing with, and karma never fails to return to us void.
Dear Muva:
What do you do when you have a co-worker who does the work for “applause”and not for the “cause?”
Signed: Not here for it.
Dear Not here for it:
Muva read your question and giggled because she was just having a similar discussion regarding some who are gainfully employed in leadership positions doing not a blessed thing, but will be the first ones to be seen at a podium with a microphone and zero to show for the six figures they are making. These same people, the bastions of mediocrity, often live off of their name recognition, and will also accept awards that they never earned. So happy are they to see their names emblazoned in lights, that they actually tell themselves they deserve it all and cannot get enough accolades. Cognitive dissonance is real in these streets.
There are way more of these types of people than we could possibly imagine. Many are given titles not for qualifications, but because of someone they know with power at the top, or from the legacy of a parent/spouse they are riding unto death.
They know how to show up after all the work is completed to take a bow, as if they did it all.
What I also see with folks like this, though, is simply this –– their lack of “fruit bearing” will come to a head when they LEAST expect it and they will find themselves out of a job. Your only roles in working with someone like this are to not allow them to take advantage of the skills you bring to the table, keep copious “receipts” of what you have been doing while they are playing around, and to never allow them to pin their mistakes on you.
I promise you one thing – just be ready to climb into a higher position, while they lose ground in many areas. Nothing awaits a sloth of laziness but heartache, while hard work and diligence bears good fruit on the vine over time.
Dear Muva:
What is intimacy? What are the characteristics of true intimacy?
Signed: Prettysmartgirl
Dear Prettysmartgirl:
Intimacy is described as a closeness you feel in a friendship (an affinity for that person) which may be platonic or between a couple in love. But, intimacy is often confused with the intimate ACT of coitus. They are similar, but different.
Intimacy can happen when someone thinks of you in a way you didn’t expect by taking care of the little details that may mean much to you.
One example is dropping off your favorite coffee and snack to your office, because you didn’t have enough time for breakfast; another example is having your gas tank filled, or a shoulder to lean on after a long day. It could even be washing the dishes after you made a meal, and having a long open discussion about whatever is on your minds at the time.
Those acts of kindness and thoughtfulness lead to a special place in your heart for the person that one can’t easily upend, and it further deepens what you’ve built as a couple. We often mistake the act of lovemaking as long-lasting intimacy. This leads to a feeling of being let down after the act is over, especially when one has not taken the time to fully know who their partner is beyond the boudoir.
Relationships, if they are to last, require work on a consistent basis, but the rewards are like the sweet nectar of honey.
Dear Muva:
How do you deal with people who just won’t forgive you? You’ve apologized, you tried to move forward… but the person continues to hate you. So much so, the thought of the person has your stomach in knots.
I guess my true question is… how do you handle unforgiveness?
Love, P.R.
Dear P. R.:
Read Muva’s lips – never give anyone permission to hold you hostage in their anger and spite, because honey, that is all that is. Some folks hold on to unforgivness like a donkey hanging onto the side of a cliff for dear life. It’s just not a cute look, messes with their chi, and leaves them miserable and unhealthy over time.
We all make mistakes. After you have apologized and tried to make things right, what else do they want – a sip of your blood? Chile, get yourself some garlic of truth, energy and self-love, crush it in a cup of “moving on,” and sip each time you want to allow yourself to feel guilt over and over again.
Someone who loves you will forgive in time (depending on the infraction) and move on. Someone who doesn’t will hold the grudge as the “tea” they need to keep you anchored to their plate of hate. You were born to manifest the divine which is within you. Let no one dim the light within, mistakes and all.
Once you forgive yourself, the rest will not be so difficult. Find a good peer mentor you can confide in, too, or write that thing out in your diary, burn the pages, and let it go. Trust Muva on this.
Disclaimer:
The advice offered in this column is intended for informational/entertainment purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. This column, its author, the Philadelphia Sunday SUN newspaper and publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.
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