By Kiarra Solomon
Valentine’s Day was just this week and lot of you may have been expecting a little blue box… you know with a ring in it??? And if he didn’t pop the question, the “Day of Love” may have turned into a bit of a reality check. If it did, by now you’ve asked pretty much anyone who will listen the million dollar question: “Why won’t he marry me?”
The number of African American who are married has decreased by over 30 percent since the 1970s. Today over 70 percent of African American children are born to unwed parents. These statistics definitely warrant some investigation. I surveyed 100 men about their relationships, past and present, and asked them why they won’t get married. The list went something like this: finances, goals, age, the added responsibility of another person, and fear of monogamy (sex with one person for the rest of his life). And on some level all of these ideas are valid. But after sorting through all the data I decided that I’d like to take a different look at this issue. Ladies, this will hurt a bit, but these are the five reasons why he won’t marry you… for real!
Number 5: He’s already told you he doesn’t want to marry you… you’re just not listening
Seriously, he’s actually said to you he does not want to get married. His exact words were probably something like “marriage isn’t for everyone” or “my parents weren’t married and look at me” or even “No, Keisha, I really don’t want to marry you.” But you are convinced you can change his mind. If he has said anything along these lines he does not want to marry you. The possible reasons why he doesn’t want to marry you are endless, and honestly, they don’t even matter. Yes, it may be that he doesn’t want to get married at all. But it’s much more like that he just doesn’t want to marry you.
Number 4: You really wouldn’t make a good wife
Think about it. Would you marry you? You don’t cook. You don’t clean. And you love to spend money… HIS money! When and if a man begins to consider commitment, especially marriage, a responsible man will begin to examine his finances closely, because now he has to provide for two (or more). In fact, the number one reason that most of the men who took my survey gave for not getting married is MONEY. He does not want to go broke trying to keep you. And right now, well, he’s going broke trying to keep you! If you really wanted to get married you would do things like cook dinner instead of making reservations. Show him that you know how to save him (and even make him money) and he may show you the ring.
Number 3: You are already pretending to be his wife
Well, you are. And if you really want to be his wife my only advice for you is to stop. NOW! Even if it’s only been a day you have already been pretending too long! You live together. You have a joint bank account (maybe). You have children. You share a car. You cook, clean and wash clothes. Sometimes people will even assume you are married. In essence, you are already performing wifely duties. You have taken on the duties of his wife without ever receiving the title, or the benefits. And he still tells people you’re his girlfriend. But when you want to discuss it he’s confused. And I would be too! You’ve been doing this job for so long and have been satisfied, so what’s changed? I’m sorry but it’s your fault. And unfortunately, it’s going to be really hard to go back on this now.
Number 2: It’s not you, it’s her… no really
Sometimes, unfortunately it is not you. Sometimes your man may have a case of “the grass is greener” syndrome. Sometimes he is comparing you, your relationship, and your life together to something else that he sees. It may be another couple. It may be a girl that he knows. Whatever it is it severely destroying your relationship. But it’s not you. If your man won’t marry you because he can’t see the value in you as a woman and in the relationship you’ve built then it is my sincerest opinion that you move on. There is a chance he may grow up and grow out of it, but what if he doesn’t? And trying to make yourself fit his ideas of what you and your relationship will be will only drive you crazy. You cannot do it. Get out fast! Because the truth is, he’s not a very mature man at all.
Number 1: You won’t make him.
Yes I said it. The number one reason why he won’t marry you is because you won’t make him. I’m not saying that you should, or that you even can, force him to marry you. But what I am saying is that when you came into this relationship you had a lot of rules and standards. You knew that you ultimately wanted to get married. But every time he did something that you didn’t like, something that was outside of your guidelines, instead of addressing it you rationalized with yourself. Yes he broke your rules, but you also never enforced them.
Now there are some women who are five years and two kids into their relationship and he won’t even sit still for conversations about marriage. And she won’t tell him that she’s not happy. But the only person that is responsible for your happiness is YOU. If the relationship has been stagnant, maybe it’s time for a serious conversation about what the next step is for you two. If Valentine’s Day was a reality check, then let’s check out some other areas of the relationship also.
The truth is, if he loves you and he wants to be with you forever then you won’t have to force him into anything. Expressing your dissatisfaction should be enough. No you probably won’t get married tomorrow. But you will learn what’s next for your relationship. And what if he’s not willing to move forward? A guy friend of mine told me to be sure to mention that attempting to force a man into marriage may cause him to leave. But if he doesn’t want to be with you forever, isn’t that kind of the point? I’m just saying that if there’s no more room for growth in the relationship (whatever that may mean to you and your relationship) then maybe it’s time to move on… and meet the guy who does want to marry you.
Now for my disclaimer: YES, every relationship is different. And what I said may not apply to everyone. In fact I really hope that it doesn’t apply to everyone. The goal is for you to examine the status of YOUR relationship. Are you happy? Are your needs being met? Or are you constantly compromising what you want for him? I really just want women to take responsibility for themselves. Because the truth is, if you’re not getting what you want, it’s your job to change that. No one else is responsible for your happiness.
Kiarra Solomon is the SUN’s Social Media Editor